The other day while I was cleaning the bathroom I found a ball, along with other toys, behind the toilet. I laughed and thought about how different cleaning our house has become since the arrival of our little king. 10 months ago there were not toys hiding behind the toilet! Instead of being annoyed at it, I was thankful. I was thankful that I had a little boy to throw toys behind my toilet! (there is something I never thought I'd say). Not that I love to clean up all the time after my little king who throws toys EVERYWHERE, but I can be thankful for having a son who I love so much! It makes the cleaning a little bit better!
There are a lot of women who long to stay up night and rock a baby to sleep, to pick up toys after a toddler, to clean a poopy diaper. I was one of them. I don't want this to be a big guilt trip... I am offering a different perspective.
What are some unusual ways that you find yourself being thankful for your kids?
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tales from the OR
Back when I was trying to get pregnant, I ended up having three surgeries in two years. A few years later, I had my hysterectomy, so over the years, I walked away with many scars (all below the bikini line, if it matters) and a few funny stories.
May 12, 1999 - My first surgery. An exploratory surgery to see what was wrong with my reproductive organs. Dr. Bopp, my surgeon, did an excellent job preparing me for the surgery by explaining in detail all that could go wrong. After all, he was legally required to tell me that there was a chance I could wake up without my uterus, if I woke up at all. He failed to tell me that those were one in a million chances, so by the day of my surgery, I was a nervous wreck. In the weeks leading up to the surgery I had been stressing out about everything from people seeing me naked to not waking up at all.
On the morning of the surgery, he stopped by to see how I was doing. I told him there was no way I wanted to have the surgery. I changed my mind; I couldn't go through with it. He smiled and quietly said that he wanted me to talk to the anesthesiologist - that would help ease my fears. The anesthesiologist came out, introduced himself and took a look at my IV. The next thing I know, I am waking up in a different room. I didn't even know I had surgery! I asked to see my family, and horrors of horrors, they told me I would have to dress my self first. It was an outpatient surgery, so its basically like ordering from the drive-thru at McDonald's. They make sure you are awake, in little to no pain, and throw drugs at your car window while your loved one drives you home. "Don't let the door hit you on your way out," comes to mind.
From this surgery, I learned that I had severe endometriosis, and I learned that I should always as for versed as soon as I was in my operating gown. Once I was home and comfortable, I also learned I had one more incision than I thought I would. They ended up doing a lot more than just exploring.
February 14, 2000 - My second surgery. This one was a full incision (laparotomy) with hospital stay to open and repair my fallopian tubes. Inpatient surgeries are much better as you usually get a morphine drip - way better than outpatient pain meds. It ended up being a gigantic waste of time, except for the four weeks I took off from work on medical leave :). I woke up on the day after surgery and had to pee, so I rang the nurse. She came right away as I still had my catheter in, which of course, I was too out of it to realize. She unkinked the catheter line for me, but told me if I still had trouble they would need to take it out and put it back in again - while I was AWAKE! From this surgery, I made a new rule: catheters can only go in after I am knocked out.
May 10, 2001 - My third surgery. This time we were doing the GIFT procedure to try to get pregnant. It was pretty uneventful. The doctor harvested six of my eggs to put back inside my uterus. We put in three and froze three for a later date because you shouldn't put all of your eggs in one basket, I mean uterus. The only thing slightly funny was that my surgeon, Dr. Bopp, didn't do the surgery, but I had seen so many doctors by then that I didn't really care.
July 13, 2007 - My last surgery. This was the big one. I always knew it was out there looming over my head - the hysterectomy. By now, I was a pro at surgeries and really wanted to have this one done. I was a little nervous that it was scheduled for Friday the 13th, but I really liked my doctor. She was actually my first OB/GYN, so I had come full circle. I was hoping to give birth to a 10 pound uterus. The surgery was done where I had worked for years, but anesthesiologically speaking, this was a new hospital for me, and I had some problems with the meds. When I finally woke up, I was in pain, so I kept pressing the button on my morphine pump. Let me first say that you are not supposed to be able to overdose on that. I'm not sure what happened, but I woke up on the fourth floor (Adult Care Unit) instead of on the second floor (Womens' and Children's), and every time I did wake up, the nurses were on the phone with my doctor. I thought that was all strange, but I was so tired I just kept going back to sleep. The next day I learned that I had some how overdosed on the morphine and almost went into respiratory arrest! They had to use Narcan (I don't really know what this means, but it corroborates my story - this was pretty serious) to pull me out of it. I guess that's what you get for having surgery on Friday the 13th! This time around, I learned that my uterus only weighed two pounds :(.
Unless something happens with my appendix, I think surgeries are behind me. At least I hope they are. But if not, at least I know to ask for the good drugs!
May 12, 1999 - My first surgery. An exploratory surgery to see what was wrong with my reproductive organs. Dr. Bopp, my surgeon, did an excellent job preparing me for the surgery by explaining in detail all that could go wrong. After all, he was legally required to tell me that there was a chance I could wake up without my uterus, if I woke up at all. He failed to tell me that those were one in a million chances, so by the day of my surgery, I was a nervous wreck. In the weeks leading up to the surgery I had been stressing out about everything from people seeing me naked to not waking up at all.
On the morning of the surgery, he stopped by to see how I was doing. I told him there was no way I wanted to have the surgery. I changed my mind; I couldn't go through with it. He smiled and quietly said that he wanted me to talk to the anesthesiologist - that would help ease my fears. The anesthesiologist came out, introduced himself and took a look at my IV. The next thing I know, I am waking up in a different room. I didn't even know I had surgery! I asked to see my family, and horrors of horrors, they told me I would have to dress my self first. It was an outpatient surgery, so its basically like ordering from the drive-thru at McDonald's. They make sure you are awake, in little to no pain, and throw drugs at your car window while your loved one drives you home. "Don't let the door hit you on your way out," comes to mind.
From this surgery, I learned that I had severe endometriosis, and I learned that I should always as for versed as soon as I was in my operating gown. Once I was home and comfortable, I also learned I had one more incision than I thought I would. They ended up doing a lot more than just exploring.
February 14, 2000 - My second surgery. This one was a full incision (laparotomy) with hospital stay to open and repair my fallopian tubes. Inpatient surgeries are much better as you usually get a morphine drip - way better than outpatient pain meds. It ended up being a gigantic waste of time, except for the four weeks I took off from work on medical leave :). I woke up on the day after surgery and had to pee, so I rang the nurse. She came right away as I still had my catheter in, which of course, I was too out of it to realize. She unkinked the catheter line for me, but told me if I still had trouble they would need to take it out and put it back in again - while I was AWAKE! From this surgery, I made a new rule: catheters can only go in after I am knocked out.
May 10, 2001 - My third surgery. This time we were doing the GIFT procedure to try to get pregnant. It was pretty uneventful. The doctor harvested six of my eggs to put back inside my uterus. We put in three and froze three for a later date because you shouldn't put all of your eggs in one basket, I mean uterus. The only thing slightly funny was that my surgeon, Dr. Bopp, didn't do the surgery, but I had seen so many doctors by then that I didn't really care.
July 13, 2007 - My last surgery. This was the big one. I always knew it was out there looming over my head - the hysterectomy. By now, I was a pro at surgeries and really wanted to have this one done. I was a little nervous that it was scheduled for Friday the 13th, but I really liked my doctor. She was actually my first OB/GYN, so I had come full circle. I was hoping to give birth to a 10 pound uterus. The surgery was done where I had worked for years, but anesthesiologically speaking, this was a new hospital for me, and I had some problems with the meds. When I finally woke up, I was in pain, so I kept pressing the button on my morphine pump. Let me first say that you are not supposed to be able to overdose on that. I'm not sure what happened, but I woke up on the fourth floor (Adult Care Unit) instead of on the second floor (Womens' and Children's), and every time I did wake up, the nurses were on the phone with my doctor. I thought that was all strange, but I was so tired I just kept going back to sleep. The next day I learned that I had some how overdosed on the morphine and almost went into respiratory arrest! They had to use Narcan (I don't really know what this means, but it corroborates my story - this was pretty serious) to pull me out of it. I guess that's what you get for having surgery on Friday the 13th! This time around, I learned that my uterus only weighed two pounds :(.
Unless something happens with my appendix, I think surgeries are behind me. At least I hope they are. But if not, at least I know to ask for the good drugs!
Monday, February 9, 2009
OK girls, get comfy. It’s gonna be a long one. “See, we have this depression goin’ on” and I cain’t afford no counselin’….
Today is one of those I hate everything kind of days, which is really sad because the day started out great. My husband let me sleep in. I had a few minutes to catch up on reading my Bible. I checked my email. I even logged on to Facebook. There it was, the stupid questionnaire that threatened my day: First born. Here are some of the questions:
WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?
WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION?
WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
For me, infertility was a seven year battle filled with pain, despair, sorrow, anger, crying, hopelessness, more crying, more anger and guilt. I hid in bathroom stalls and cried. I cried in airports, and I even ran out of a college class crying. Fortunately I was taking the class, not teaching it. Looking back, that one was kind of funny. A girl was giving a report on abortions and how bad they are, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. The other students in the class probably thought I had had one earlier in life.
During that time, people said the worst things to me in an attempt to help. My coworkers would complain about their kids and then say, “See, aren’t you glad you don’t have any.” That resulted in the bathroom stall episode from above. My husband and I tried each medical breakthrough once just so I could have the peace of mind that I did everything I could. This involved me carrying expensive, injectible drugs (our co-pay for one week of drugs was over $1,000) through an airport and shooting up in the bathroom between flights. My husband even had to learn how to give me shots. BTW, the medicine itself is hormones, so you can just imagine my emotional state of mind.
Then there were the failures. I never got pregnant, and each time I had to tell my husband that it didn’t work was harder and harder. I will never forget the day I found out our In Vitro failed. This In Vitro was our last ditch effort, our final try. My brother Brad just happened to come to work to see me right after I got the news. I was devastated. Thank God he was there to help me. Sadly, trough it all, I was one of the lucky ones. God protected me from a lot of pain. I never miscarried. My mom had several miscarriages just trying to have the three of us. I have two close friends who had ectopic pregnancies, which are devastating. God knew I couldn’t handle those types of loss.
I have endometriosis, and I had three surgeries within in two years to try to remove the damaged tissue. In 2007, I finally had a hysterectomy. After adopting Alex, I would say that I am mostly cured from the sorrow of infertility. The pain and anger sneak up on me every once in a while, but I can now say I am so glad things worked out the way they did. Alex is awesome. Thank you God for having enough faith in me to find Alex and for planning such a wonderful child for me. When we went to Russia, we were paired with the Ribeiros, who have become great friends. I remember asking Carrie why God gave us such a desire to have kids when we physically couldn’t. She explained it best. God has to give some women that much desire so that these kids can have homes. Think about it, if you could give birth, you would. Who else would be willing to jump through all of the adoption hoops? She is just so smart and another fantastic gift from God.
Even being mostly cured, there are days when I get tired of looking on the bright side. I get tired of being positive. Today is one of those days. In response to this questionnaire, I posted a note that some people might have said was snarly, but darn it, I am tired of pretending like it didn’t hurt. Most importantly, the extreme hurt is what makes God's answer to the hurt so wonderful. Selena, one of my first friends in life, wrote a note back to me saying “You could just be creative.” Isn't she great and wise? I am so glad to be back in touch with her. She is right, but I just needed a minute to have a pity party.
Now that I am over it, I am asking you all to read my answers to the questions. Thanks for letting me vent. I really appreciate it. I do want to add that the girl who sent me this questionnaire is supper sweet and would never want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I also need to say again, I am so thankful this was God’s plan for me. I can’t believe he gave me such a wonderful gift as Alex, and I would never want Alex to think I would have it any other way. When I was so desperate and going through infertility, I didn’t know that God was going to work things out for me. He did not have to give me a child. I knew God could help me be joyful in any circumstance, but I didn’t know how great the plan was.
WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? More than you can imagine, but not my plans, God’s.
WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes.
WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION? Sheer joy – see picture.
WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? Never, and praise God it wasn’t for his birth mom either!
HOW OLD WERE YOU? 32 – only about seven years older than I thought I would be.
HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? It’s complicated.
WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? My dad – my husband was with me.
DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? We travelled to Russia on a blind referral, which means we did not know anything about the child we were meeting, and then found out that our child was an 11 month old boy!
DUE DATE? Sometime in November of 2004.
DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? More than you can imagine due to the blind referral. Thank goodness Prilosect came out OTC that spring.
WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? Homemade brownies on top of homemade coffee cream topped with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? Pregnant people – I am sorry, but it was kind of true back then.
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Boy.
DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? No. I just wanted a baby.
HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? About 10.
DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes.
WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? I knew.
DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Yes, the Russian government changed a lot of their requirements during our adoption. We had to be examined by seven or eight different doctors while in Russia.
WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Alex’s birth certificate says that I gave birth to him in Astrakhan, Russia. He was actually born in Kamyzak.
HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? I call our flight home my labor, so 23 or 24 hours.
WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? My mom and dad drove us to the airport.
WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? A team of social workers, lawyers, a judge and a few translators.
WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? It was far from natural.
DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Not enough!
HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 1K and 900 g – 4 pounds and 3 ounces.
WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD BORN? September 25, 2004.
WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Alex (this is part of his given name) Jacob (from the Bible) Carver.
WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?
WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION?
WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
For me, infertility was a seven year battle filled with pain, despair, sorrow, anger, crying, hopelessness, more crying, more anger and guilt. I hid in bathroom stalls and cried. I cried in airports, and I even ran out of a college class crying. Fortunately I was taking the class, not teaching it. Looking back, that one was kind of funny. A girl was giving a report on abortions and how bad they are, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. The other students in the class probably thought I had had one earlier in life.
During that time, people said the worst things to me in an attempt to help. My coworkers would complain about their kids and then say, “See, aren’t you glad you don’t have any.” That resulted in the bathroom stall episode from above. My husband and I tried each medical breakthrough once just so I could have the peace of mind that I did everything I could. This involved me carrying expensive, injectible drugs (our co-pay for one week of drugs was over $1,000) through an airport and shooting up in the bathroom between flights. My husband even had to learn how to give me shots. BTW, the medicine itself is hormones, so you can just imagine my emotional state of mind.
Then there were the failures. I never got pregnant, and each time I had to tell my husband that it didn’t work was harder and harder. I will never forget the day I found out our In Vitro failed. This In Vitro was our last ditch effort, our final try. My brother Brad just happened to come to work to see me right after I got the news. I was devastated. Thank God he was there to help me. Sadly, trough it all, I was one of the lucky ones. God protected me from a lot of pain. I never miscarried. My mom had several miscarriages just trying to have the three of us. I have two close friends who had ectopic pregnancies, which are devastating. God knew I couldn’t handle those types of loss.
I have endometriosis, and I had three surgeries within in two years to try to remove the damaged tissue. In 2007, I finally had a hysterectomy. After adopting Alex, I would say that I am mostly cured from the sorrow of infertility. The pain and anger sneak up on me every once in a while, but I can now say I am so glad things worked out the way they did. Alex is awesome. Thank you God for having enough faith in me to find Alex and for planning such a wonderful child for me. When we went to Russia, we were paired with the Ribeiros, who have become great friends. I remember asking Carrie why God gave us such a desire to have kids when we physically couldn’t. She explained it best. God has to give some women that much desire so that these kids can have homes. Think about it, if you could give birth, you would. Who else would be willing to jump through all of the adoption hoops? She is just so smart and another fantastic gift from God.
Even being mostly cured, there are days when I get tired of looking on the bright side. I get tired of being positive. Today is one of those days. In response to this questionnaire, I posted a note that some people might have said was snarly, but darn it, I am tired of pretending like it didn’t hurt. Most importantly, the extreme hurt is what makes God's answer to the hurt so wonderful. Selena, one of my first friends in life, wrote a note back to me saying “You could just be creative.” Isn't she great and wise? I am so glad to be back in touch with her. She is right, but I just needed a minute to have a pity party.
Now that I am over it, I am asking you all to read my answers to the questions. Thanks for letting me vent. I really appreciate it. I do want to add that the girl who sent me this questionnaire is supper sweet and would never want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I also need to say again, I am so thankful this was God’s plan for me. I can’t believe he gave me such a wonderful gift as Alex, and I would never want Alex to think I would have it any other way. When I was so desperate and going through infertility, I didn’t know that God was going to work things out for me. He did not have to give me a child. I knew God could help me be joyful in any circumstance, but I didn’t know how great the plan was.
WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? More than you can imagine, but not my plans, God’s.
WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes.
WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION? Sheer joy – see picture.
WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? Never, and praise God it wasn’t for his birth mom either!
HOW OLD WERE YOU? 32 – only about seven years older than I thought I would be.
HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? It’s complicated.
WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? My dad – my husband was with me.
DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? We travelled to Russia on a blind referral, which means we did not know anything about the child we were meeting, and then found out that our child was an 11 month old boy!
DUE DATE? Sometime in November of 2004.
DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? More than you can imagine due to the blind referral. Thank goodness Prilosect came out OTC that spring.
WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? Homemade brownies on top of homemade coffee cream topped with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? Pregnant people – I am sorry, but it was kind of true back then.
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Boy.
DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? No. I just wanted a baby.
HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? About 10.
DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes.
WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? I knew.
DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Yes, the Russian government changed a lot of their requirements during our adoption. We had to be examined by seven or eight different doctors while in Russia.
WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Alex’s birth certificate says that I gave birth to him in Astrakhan, Russia. He was actually born in Kamyzak.
HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? I call our flight home my labor, so 23 or 24 hours.
WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? My mom and dad drove us to the airport.
WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? A team of social workers, lawyers, a judge and a few translators.
WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? It was far from natural.
DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Not enough!
HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 1K and 900 g – 4 pounds and 3 ounces.
WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD BORN? September 25, 2004.
WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Alex (this is part of his given name) Jacob (from the Bible) Carver.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Our Battle with the Russian Government
Our battle with the Russian government began on September 1, 2004, and lasted for more than a year. After over 100 sleepless nights, countless prayers for our relief, two trans-Atlantic flights, a threat of arrest and thousands of dollars in legal fees, we emerged from the small dark Russian courtroom victorious. We were finally parents!
Today, we are celebrating our Family Day. It has been three years since the adoption of our son was finalized in Astrakhan, Russia. Astrakhan is deep Russia. We went to Cancun on our honeymoon, so I thought I was prepared to travel to a foreign country. When our plane landed in Astrakhan, I immediately decided that Cancun doesn't count as a foreign country.
We traveled to Russia on a blind referral, meaning we did not know how old our child would be or if our child was a girl or boy. Thank goodness Prilosect was released over-the-counter that summer! Here is a picture of our first meeting.
Even though our adoption only took about 14 months, our journey to our son was seven years filled with bitterness, disappointment and anguish. I wanted a child so badly, yet was never able to conceive. Our son too had a long journey to get to us. He is a survivor and a fighter. In Russia, when a child is placed for adoption, they spend the first several weeks of their lives in a hospital in quarantine to be sure they are healthy. Our son then spent the next several months living in the orphanage sharing a crib with at least one other baby. Because of this, Family Day at our house is a giant celebration. Three wounded hearts were united as one to mend together into a loving family.
Today, we are celebrating our Family Day. It has been three years since the adoption of our son was finalized in Astrakhan, Russia. Astrakhan is deep Russia. We went to Cancun on our honeymoon, so I thought I was prepared to travel to a foreign country. When our plane landed in Astrakhan, I immediately decided that Cancun doesn't count as a foreign country.
We traveled to Russia on a blind referral, meaning we did not know how old our child would be or if our child was a girl or boy. Thank goodness Prilosect was released over-the-counter that summer! Here is a picture of our first meeting.
We met our son shortly before his first birthday. Per Russian law at that time, we had to leave him in the orphanage in Russia and come back six weeks later to finalize the adoption. Most women say they forget the pains of childbirth soon after seeing their new baby, and the same is true about our adoption journey. It was a stress-filled, nerve racking, roller coaster ride, but now only the fond memories seem to linger. Our day in court was challenging, but my husband did great! He had to make a speech about why we wanted to adopt this child and how we planned to care for him. His speech was so thorough that the judge did not ask him any questions, and our case worker was so proud of him! Later that night we went out to celebrate with the other American couple adopting through our agency. They quickly became our new best friends, and are now like members of our family. The next day was like a fairy tale. We took flowers and beautiful cakes to the orphanage workers as we picked up our son. I love this photo (my son and husband are on the left). We are leaving the orphanage and never looking back!
Even though our adoption only took about 14 months, our journey to our son was seven years filled with bitterness, disappointment and anguish. I wanted a child so badly, yet was never able to conceive. Our son too had a long journey to get to us. He is a survivor and a fighter. In Russia, when a child is placed for adoption, they spend the first several weeks of their lives in a hospital in quarantine to be sure they are healthy. Our son then spent the next several months living in the orphanage sharing a crib with at least one other baby. Because of this, Family Day at our house is a giant celebration. Three wounded hearts were united as one to mend together into a loving family.
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