Fireproof, Revisted

Several weeks ago I wrote a scathing review of the movie Fireproof. I'm not here to write a retraction because I still think it's a lousy movie; however, my husband and I have started attending a small group at church based on the materials from Fireproof and I have to admit that it's great. Our small group is reading the book The Love Dare, which is featured in the movie. Basically the book takes you through 40 days of small "dares" that you do with your spouse. For instance, buying your spouse a small gift, doing some selfless act of service, calling your spouse during the day to see if they need anything, etc. It probably sounds rather simplistic and it definitely seems that way in the movie, but there's more to this book than just the dares. It's based on 1 Corinthians 13, which gets read at weddings a lot, but I'm not sure many of us spend a lot of time reading it after we get married. I know I don't. The main point of the book, though, is, "Don't follow your heart. Lead your heart." When I first read that statement, I thought, "Oh my gosh. That's genius." It's totally against what our culture tells us to do, but it's the truth. It's what's right. It's not at all what I usually do, but it's now what I'm trying to do.
What's interesting about this marriage group is that the principles of love I'm learning about with my husband are also spilling over into my relationships with my children. One week we talked about our love languages and now I find myself wondering what my kids' love languages are. Ethan's seems to maybe be quality time, so instead of saying, "No, honey, Mommy's reading," when he wants me to help him set up his train track in the den, I say, "Okay." I'm also trying to lead my heart instead of follow it. Because honestly, sometimes my heart tells me to run screaming out of the house and into my car, never to return. And that wouldn't be such a good mommy thing, huh?
So I'm giving credit where credit is due. When I wrote that bad review of Fireproof, people told me that they've seen God use it to transform people's marriages. Well, it's true. Only with me it's transforming all of my important relationships.

Vacay

Today my husband and I are going on vacation. We are going to Maine for a week, which is the longest we've ever been away from our children. The next longest was in November, when we went to NYC for 3 days/2 nights. We really, really need this vacation. I have been under a lot of stress, some of which is caused by others, but most of which just has to do with life. I don't like saying that I need a break from my children, but I'm going to say it. I need a break from my children. My husband has been under a lot of stress, too, some of which is the same stress as me, some of which is due to his demanding job and to the fact that while we are on vacation we are having the floors refinished in our house, and he and 3 teenagers from church had to move all the furniture out. My kids and I were at the beach with my in-laws while Todd took care of all this stuff and as soon as he got here, Ethan got sick. High fever, sore throat, restless sleep. We called the doctor to get antibiotics and he has gotten a little better, but yesterday Micah woke up with a fever. We shlepped the kids to Winter Haven to see the doctor, who said it's probably a virus (oh, and did I mention Ethan puked on the way to the doctor?), then came back to the beach. We talked and talked and argued about whether or not we need to even go to Maine. I said yes, Todd wasn't so sure. We finally agreed we would and let me tell you, I am downright giddy. I haven't slept in months and my throat kind of hurts, but I am so excited to be getting away. Today we are off to Orlando and then we fly to Portland in the morning. I can hardly wait! I know that we will miss our kids and it doesn't help that Ethan had a meltdown right before nap and Micah woke up screaming, but I am still glad we are doing this. We need this. And our kids need us to do this. I am not a fan of Dr. Phil, but I agree with one thing I heard him say: "A good marriage is the best gift you can give your children." I know that we will turn into different people. We will sleep, relax, laugh. I don't care if I spend the whole time in a deck chair reading. I know this trip will do me, and Todd, good. So now, without further ado, GOODBYE!

Weekend to Remember

This past weekend, my husband and I attended the Family Life Weekend to Remember marriage conference in Orlando.

It was the best thing we have done as a couple!

This October will mark 18 years of marriage and 20 years of togetherness. Whew! I can't believe it! First of all, I never imagined myself being this old and secondly, I can't believe we've been married this long.

You see, when I went into marriage my thought was that if it didn't work out, then I'd just get a divorce. No big deal. Like returning a sweater that just doesn't fit quite right and doesn't make me as happy as I thought it would.

Looking back, I can see how far I've come. Now, my lifetime goal is to not only remain married, but to really find joy every step of the way. I want to leave a legacy to my girls of what a beautiful marriage looks like. Most everything I do revolves around this life goal that I have.

This is a list of top 3 things that have helped me remain married:

1) Believing that Christ is real and understanding what salvation, grace and forgiveness really are. Having a husband that also believes and understands these things.
2) Books, radio, movies, MOPS, Church, Christian organizations, and other people that support marriage.
3) Great friends and family that will discuss things from their hearts.

Do you have a support system in place to help you with your marriage? I highly recommend that you do because it will help you on those inevitable days that life being married just seems too hard and possibly not worth the effort.

I want to encourage each of you to do all that you can to safeguard your marriage NOW. Hard times will come and the decisions you make today will determine the decisions you make in the future.

Here's a link to Family Life. If you are married and want to do something awesome for yourself and spouse, go to one of their upcoming conferences. You'll be so happy that you did!

http://familylife.com

Seattle on a Shoestring: Our First Kid-Free Vacation!

My husband and I just took a vacation without the kids for the first time ever. Before this, they've never even slept over at anyone's house without us, so we really weren't sure how they would do over a long weekend away from us. Our oldest is 5 1/2, so we figured it was time to break away and enjoy some alone time. Something we NEVER fully appreciated before we had kids!

We lucked into a pair of round-trip tickets to anywhere AirTran flies in the continental US. I wanted to go as far as possible, so we flew to Seattle on Thursday last week, determined to see the city without renting a car (Seattle on a shoestring). This meant we had to catch a city bus at the airport into downtown Seattle, get off in the underground bus tunnel, then find our bus to the Inn at Queen Anne, where we stayed. We got explicit instructions from the inn, including bus numbers, so we felt pretty confident when we stepped onto the 194 at the airport.

Why does that sign say North to Seattle...aren't we IN Seattle?!

Apparently there are two 194 buses. The one we boarded went SOUTH to Tacoma instead of NORTH to downtown Seattle. This sign was part of our unplanned walking tour of the interstate system of Tacoma, south of Seattle. At this point, I was thanking God we did not have the kids with us. We finally found the bus stop we needed and only had to wait about 30 minutes for the right bus. We rolled into downtown Seattle about an hour and a half later than planned, but hey! We were on an adventure! These kinds of mistakes have much less impact when you're not hauling car seats, luggage for four, a diaper bag, and a stroller!

Our trip was really great, but totally exhausting! Pike's Place was very cool, and we took a 2 1/2 hour cruise of the locks, where we saw the Sleepless in Seattle floating home. Don't say houseboat unless you want to catch the evil eye of a floating home owner. The Sleepless home is on the market for a mere $3 million, by the way. It's the green one with red trim on the left:

Here are some more pics of our trip:

This is where the fish fly at Pike Place Market

That's the famous mascot of Pike Place, Rachel (cast in bronze)

We drank LOTS of coffee in Seattle. There's a coffee shop on every block!

This one's for you, Miss Rachel! Check out the steep tilt...our calves were killing us by day 2!

The Famous Space Needle

City Scape: View from the Water

I don't know why we waited so long to take a vacation away from the kids, but now that we have, I already have a plan for the next one! And KID 1 asked me several times this week "Mommy, when can we go on vacation again?" I told him next month we would all go on vacation and he said, "No! I mean when can we go on vacation without you and Daddy?" They stayed at the ranch with my mom and helped feed the cows. They rode the 4-wheeler down the fence line to check the fences, and even had to round up a stray cow and mend the fence where she broke out. They got to be real ranch hands and they LOVED it! They barely missed us!

Serpent in the Freezer Section: Motivated by a Guilty Conscience

Wow...it's been so long since my last post, I feel like I should go to confession. Bless me, Father, for I have neglected my Motley blog. It has been 14 days since my last post...and I confess that guilt is sometimes my only motivator.

Like when my kids are practically clawing at my pajamas to take them outside to play: read in a high-pitched, urgent whine - "If we don't go out now, we won't have time to play before lunch, Mommeeee!"

Occassionally I need this guilt trip to get my teeth brushed, my shoes on, and my pajamas hung on their peg...okay, thrown in their heap by the bed...jeez, I must have something gnawing on my conscience!

Today (actually written Friday) is just "one of those days." I've had a couple of slow days this week, but nothing that involved pajamas past 8 AM. Today is an exception. Our little one is sick with a cold, so we had nowhere to go and nothing to do on our agenda today. It's been kinda nice, actually. Besides the constant whining to go outside.

I shopped online while the kids played in each other's rooms, occasionally refereeing a squabble when she threw a book at his head, or he pinned her behind the recliner by jacking the arm up and kicking the chair back at just the right moment...ahhhh, yeah. The slow days.

Back to the guilt as motivator topic, I swore I'd never use guilt to get what I want from someone else. Somehow, though, whenever I say that out loud, my husband gets this big smirk on his face...hmmmm. But now I seem to be using it against myself!

We're both trying to cut back on sweets. We have a bad habit of indulging in late-night desserts. Super-Premium ice cream is our weakness. We almost NEVER pass by a Ben & Jerry's scoop shop in our travels without stopping for a hand-dipped cone (B&J's are more common in the North East. We make the pilgrimmage to their Vermont factory every summer. Who can resist free super-premium ice cream?).

Anyway, Ben & Jerry's was on sale this week 2 pts. for $6. That's pretty good, considering that it almost never goes on sale. I am proud and bitterly disappointed to say I resisted temptation. Mostly for Paul's sake, but whatever works, right? I figured I would just feel really guilty for bringing home the forbidden fruit to my poor, weak Adam. I guess the grocery store is the Garden in this scenario and the sale ad is that wily serpent. So if I continue the biblical metaphor a bit, I resisted Satan in the frozen food aisle this week. Go Me!

If my guilty conscience is the only thing steeling me against temptation, then I guess my mom knew what she was doing when she sent me on all those guilt trips. Thanks, Mom!

Things To Remember

I am laying in bed while my dear sweet husband is downstairs with THE Princess making something in the workshop. Our little King of the Jungle is nestled in next to me sleeping. It's dusk and our bedroom windows are opening with the cool breeze wafting in. I can hear faint sounds of people at the park down the street and the crickets are chirping. Giggling from downstairs. My baby breathing deeply in sleep.

I try to keep moments like these. Tuck them away in my memory for another day and time. When I need to remember. These times will change. My children will grow.

I try to keep a running list of some of the things I want my children to know. I found part of that list, written in the margin of a magazine and wadded at the bottom of my purse this week. (I am nothing if not organized.) My girl turns 4 tomorrow. 4. Where did the time go? My darling, I hope I am passing on some of this wit and wisdom to you.

Jesus loves you.

Smile. Everyone is more lovely when they smile.

If you don't know the words to a song, just sing the word "watermelon" over and over. It will make your mouth look right. (Trust me.)

Don't feel you have to change or be different to be acceptable. You are just right.

If there are no paper towels to dry your hands on, just fix your hair a bit. It works every time.

Learn the secret whistle and use it to find me when you can't see me. (Note to self: teach children to whistle.)

Put off plucking your eyebrows, shaving your legs, and coloring your hair for as long as possible. Once you start, you can never stop.

Choose your attitude when you wake up every morning. Fake it if you have to.

Always carry 2 hankies, one for show and one for blow.

Hold hands.

Learn how to make a "specialty dish." Something complicated that you can cook perfectly. (Trust me on this one, you'll use it more than you think.)

Knowing how to make a cup out of a piece of paper is a life skill.

You always have time to tell someone that you love them.

Tell stories.

Cut a pie in 7 pieces, thus creating the perfect-sized slice of pie.

If a member of the opposite sex is getting fresh and they don't understand the meaning of "no" then stick your finger down your throat and throw up on them. (This has never failed.)

Nothing you ever do will make me not love you.

Have people over, even if your house is messy and especially if it is dusty.

Sing songs. Silly, serious, off-tune. Sing loud. (And not only in the shower.)

Keep cut and serve cookies in your freezer for unexpected guests. (Plus, it makes it seem like you were just baking when they stopped by!)

It's always worth it to tell the truth. It's not always easy.

When you are a parent one day, remember that what your kids think of you is more important than what your friends think of you.

Life is hard. I am always on your side, even when you don't think so.

When you go to a new place to eat ask what their specialty is. Then try it. (Don't order sushi at a steakhouse.)

Stop, drop, and roll is for when YOU are on fire. 911 is for when someone else is.

If someone says something mean or hurtful, say "thank you." It works well to end a conversation. (Heaping coals of fire on their heads, I say.)

Kiss your husband on the lips, everyday. (Watch out, I'm wearing my business socks!)

Duck the brick is a fun game. (No one ever gets hit with the brick more than once!)

You can love someone deeply, and not marry (or have sex) with them. The longer you wait, the better you will like it. (I am gonna wait a few years on this one, girls.)

At any job, you can be replaced. You will never be replaced by your family.

Play tricks. A few or our family favorites are: plastic wrap over the toilet seat, salt in the sugar bowl (covered with a thin layer of sugar, in case anyone checks), fake dog poo in the bottom of the coffee cup, a spinner that shoots water at you when you lift the toilet lid, and toothpaste in oreos.

Especially when you are tired and worn out, do something nice for someone else. It's worth it.

You will always, always be my baby. Always.





What wisdom will you be passing along?

My Wedding Night

No, I'm not continuing Karly's discussion from last Friday. I just thought I'd tell you a funny story. 

We had big plans to leave our wedding reception early, but you know how that goes. At 8:30 my friend Cathy, who coordinated the whole shindig, came over and said, "Y'all need to leave!" So we flew out of there amidst bubbles and hugs, went home for a quick shower, and drove to the Grand Floridian at Disney to begin our new life together. We got to the hotel about 10, checked in, and headed up to our room...which was being cleaned. Back down to the front desk, we were given another room, went up to that one, and...someone was working on the electrical panel next to the room. "Oh! You don't want this room," he said. "The air conditioning isn't working." It was the 24th of May in Florida. We needed A/C. Fortunately, nearly everyone who works at Disney is extremely helpful, so the maintenance man called down to the front desk for us. He then took us to our new room and let us in, since he had a master key. The good thing about this mess was that we got bumped up to the concierge level (I'm not sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's good) and had a room with a balcony where we could watch  the fireworks at Magic Kingdom each night. The bad thing about this mess was that we had to wait a while for the bellhop to bring our luggage up. Like 30 minutes. And we didn't know when he was coming, so basically we sat on the bed and stared at each other. 

It was a little awkward.

Until the bellhop left.

M.F.E.O.

I tried to leave Lake Wales after graduation. In fact, I moved away without having a job elsewhere. I was not going to get "stuck here" like other Warner graduates. But, the only job I could get "elsewhere" was at a daycare and I was offered a teaching position at a high school here, so I had to come back. A few years later, I applied to grad school. I was definitely getting out this time! But, again, no job prospects. And, to be perfectly honest, I didn't try too hard to get a job. By the time I got my grad school acceptance letter, I had decided Lake Wales was an okay place, to "bloom where I was planted," so to speak. I deferred grad school, got excited to teach another year, and decided to take tae kwon do. How many 26-year-old women do you know who just suddenly take up martial arts? Especially ones who are pretty sedentary and klutzy, not athletic at all? Yeah, me neither. But I did it and it was embarrassing to be the only adult with a bunch of kids and the uniform felt stupid and there were all these moves that just didn't seem natural. Still, I stuck with it. I'm telling you this not to make myself look good, but to show you how God intervened in my life. In my early 20s, there were 3 lives I wanted to live and I couldn't decide which one was best. 1. I wanted to live with my roommates, who were like sisters to me, teach high school, and "play" on the weekends. 2. I wanted to move far away where I didn't know anyone, go to grad school, live alone (because I'm kind of a loner by nature anyway), smoke clove cigarettes, and scrounge for rent money every month. 3. I wanted to be a wife and mother. #3 scared me the most. However, it's obviously what God wanted and He definitely has the best plan. 6 months into tae kwon do the kicks and blocks were becoming more natural, but most importantly, I was in a serious relationship with a steady, handsome, intelligent, giving man. You know the rest of the story - marriage, 2 boys, etc. It's not that unusual of a story. Yet I am regularly amazed by how God worked to bring us together. Ladies, I married up. My husband is so thoughtful - he usually gets up with the baby so I can sleep in and for Christmas he bought me a book I really enjoyed and the other day he went to the bookstore just to buy me another book by the same author. I don't deserve the blessings God has put in my life. Sometimes I wonder, "Why am I so lucky?" I'm really not that great of a Christian. I definitely don't deserve my husband and sons, my husband most of all. My parents' marriage - well, it was iffy at best. I know that just having stability in a marriage is a blessing. But He has given me more than just stability. God has given me a soulmate, someone who shares many of the same interests as me and loves me for who I am, as well as for who I could be. We are truly M.F.E.O. - made for each other.

Criticism Gets You...More Housework

Saturdays are great for getting housework and yardwork done. Much as we'd love to go into our weekend with a clean house, we just haven't figured out how to achieve it during the work week. I always end up with a pretty messy house by Friday. So now you know what we're doing today.

But there's something I'm not doing today. Maria’s post on Wednesday inspired me to share a little secret with my Motley friends: My husband does all of the laundry around here. All of it. Occasionally, I will surprise him and move a load from the washer to the dryer, or even from the dryer to our bedroom where we sit and fold at night (while watching TV). But I rarely have to do a whole load, from start to finish, myself. It’s wonderful.

It wasn’t always, though. A few years ago, maybe even before we had children, if Paul did a load of laundry, I always had some criticism, or, as I like to call them, “help points.” As in, “I think there are too many clothes in the washer. If we put too many in there, they won’t agitate properly and they won’t get clean.” Or, “It helps to check the clothes before they go into the dryer. If something stains them in the washer, the stain will just set in when it dries" (this usually as we folded a load of pink socks, underwear, and towels, plus a red sock).

I also had a lot of rules about what could be dried in the dryer and what could not: bras need to hang-dry, my wool sweater lays flat, and that nice shirt with the diamond buttons is dry-clean only.” Funny thing is, I ended up doing most of the laundry when I criticized and nit-picked.

These days, I’ve learned that I’d rather wear only the things that can be washed AND dried and let Paul handle the laundry. I also try to be very cautious about criticizing when he helps around the house. Sometimes it’s hard because I know how I like things done. I’ve developed systems over the years since I’ve been lucky enough to stay home with our children. Sometimes stupid little things grate on me: I open the bag of diapers from the top so I can pull them out of the bag by the fold. He opens the bag (without fail) by ripping open the bottom so that the diapers have to be yanked out by their tops, usually pulling several others along with them and/or tearing the little tabs off in the process. Will I say anything? NO WAY. He’s doing it his way and he’s getting the job done. It’s worth a few casualties along the way (I’m talking diapers, not kids). And I love that he’s pitching in and giving it his best.

He knows I appreciate the help, and now I can even gently remind him (at the beginning of sweater season) which sweaters dry flat. Offered as information, rather than criticism, he takes it in stride and tries to remember before it all goes in the dryer. And again, if I end up with a doll-size sweater from the Gap, my kids will be thrilled and I will gladly stow it in the doll case with minimal grumbling (I'll try really hard to supress it!)…a small price to pay for never having to do the laundry.

The Toughest Years

My husband and I have been married for over seven years now, and it amazes me that there is still more to learn about how to be a better partner to him, and vice versa. But I know I can be, and I know he can be, and this challenge is what keeps our marriage fresh. I think it always will.

The funny thing is, before we decided we were ready for kids, I had this epiphany: we needed to be married for at least 2 years before we had any children. My theory in support of this was that we needed plenty of time to get to know each other as partners in marriage before we complicated it with kids. Important things like:

• Which side of the bed was mine?


• Who takes out the trash?


• Who does the grocery shopping?


• Is he a safe driver? Are his reflexes fast enough to dodge sudden obstacles in the road, thus preventing a life-altering (or -ending) crash? Maybe I should drive...?


• How do I know when he's sick of me and needs some space?


• How do I let him know, kindly, when I need some space?
  
• I was raised Catholic, he, Methodist...where would we go to church?

Some of these things turned out to be silly...

• I'm left-handed. I like the left side of the bed. Duh.


• He takes out the trash, of course.
  
• If he crashes the car, at least we'll go together.
  
• And it's pretty obvious when we need some space. We speak in 1-2 word sentences, terse and to-the-point. Can't waste energy required to hold myself together on speech.

Finding the right church was harder. We church-hopped for a while before having kids. We knew this one was really important in the life of our future family, so we didn't make the decision lightly. We also didn't make this decision until after our first child arrived! All of a sudden, with the birth of our baby boy, our priorities and spiritual needs became crystal clear.

Presbyterian seems to be the happy sticking place for us. We love our church family! They support us in every aspect of our family life, as individuals, as partners, and as parents. Awesome. I feel so blessed by all the ministries that touch our lives: my circle group, The Breakfast Club Sunday school class (our grown-up class), Mother's Forum, Lil' Kidz programs, Vacation Bible School, Preschool Sunday School, Girls' Nite Out, Musikgarten, Wednesday night Ekklessia dinner and classes, and inspirational Sunday morning worship services.

Our church is also the home of MOPS in this town, yet another wonderful ministry that supports me in my mothering adventure while my kids are preschoolers.

Without all this support, looking back over the past seven years, I don't know how I could have handled these soul-searching, sleep-deprived, tidal wave years of becoming new parents. These are the toughest years of my life thus far, as a wife, as a woman.

But as a Christian, I am thriving.

No, we didn't have it all figured out before becoming parents. We don't have it all figured out now, either. How boring would that be?