Things I have learned from living in a small space...

As you read this today, my husband and I are going to / in the middle of / leaving the "closing" to buy our new home. We are excited and relieved to be moving on to larger territories, especially one with a kid-friendly back yard, but I thought I would take a minute to share my reflections from the past four years with you.

For four years we have happily lived in a "small space"--a 900 square foot apartment. We have had no complaints about our tighter-than-some quarters, and until our toddler started moving around like a madman we have felt snug as a bug in a rug, or something like that.

I am quite grateful for our experience living here. We have had on-call maintenance and security and wonderful property managers. We have had access to a swimming pool that we didn't have to maintain. Our apartment has been close to shopping and activities.

Living in a small, rented space has taught me a few things that I really needed to know. For instance, I don't need everything I see and can afford. I mercilessly de-cluttered my kitchen gadgets and ousted any "one-trick ponies" from our cabinets so that what we needed could fit there. I discovered the beauty, simplicity, and utility of a good knife. We donated excess linens and clothing, and I earned a fair chunk of change selling books and DVD's online. The big space we had left before moving here seemed to always beg me to fill it. Moving to a small space allowed me to breathe for the first time in years.

I now love white walls and empty spaces. They are a canvas on which we can create the story of our household as it grows and changes. I had always thought that walls needed to be painted in striking colors to match the magazine-shoot-ready decor that we also "needed." Thanks to our lease painting was not an option. It has taken some time, but the white walls I once saw as disgustingly unfinished are now blissfully free of constraint and bright, much like the unfolding tale of our family. Our new home has white walls, and that is how they will stay, for now anyway.

So, am I sad to be leaving this place that has taught me so much? Um, no. As soon as the papers are signed we are out of here faster than you can say, "Go outside and play, honey." We will miss having maintenance on-call, and becoming home owners is a bit scary, especially in an area somewhat prone to hurricanes, but we are ready to make the move. So, thank you, little appartment, for all that you have done to make us better people. I pray that the next tenants will be just as blessed here as we have been.

A Dark Night from my Past

It was a steamy hot summer night in mid-July. I was young, but that does not excuse my poor judgement. One rash decision led to a moment I will never forget, visions that I cannot erase no matter how many years pass. I had just turned 20, and I thought I knew it all. I was working that summer for my college as a R.A. for the Upward Bound Program. My husband, then boyfriend, was an R.A. too, and we basically spent the summer chaperoning some really cool high school kids. The day started out harmlessly enough, volleyball and a water balloon fight. That evening we all ate dinner in the cafeteria. They served lasagna, which was actually quite tasty. It should have been a tip-off. Our good luck could not continue. Shortly there after we all loaded up into college vans for a trip to the Gibson County Fair.

This fair was one of the best in the area. The 4-H animal exhibits were awesome, and the fair had the perfect balance of fried food and carnival rides. Our kids were a close knit group who loved to hang out together, so a big group of us went looking for rides we could all fit on at once. At this point in my life, I was still doing crazy things like riding roller coasters and rocko-planes. No ride was too scary for me until now. There before me stood the Kamikaze. Two arms spinning side by side upside down and all around.

In a moment I relive over and over again, I climbed aboard. Charlie and I were on one side, and about ten of our kids climbed into the other. As soon as the ride started, I knew I was in trouble. I had never been so terrified in my life. I can still remember begging, "Please God let this ride end. Please God let this ride end." I was slient in my fear, but I could hear screaming all around me. Over and over we flew defying gravity and all natural laws. Over and over I prayed to live until the end. Ominously, the ride slowed. I thought maybe the operator had compassion for one of the screamers, and I began to thank God for answering my prayers.

I looked over at Les in the other car. He was one of my favorites. Normally laughing and joking, he was now in tears. As they climbed out of the car, graphic details of the horrific tragedy began to unfold. There was an accident. Almost everyone was affected. Chunks of tomatoes and peppers were everywhere. Chuck bravely helped us piece the accident together: "I looked up and saw a great big pink cloud of puke!" Since we were in the other car, we were spared. All of the girls had globs of lasagna remains in their hair. We rushed to the bathrooms, and I tried to help them clean up. We had to wash all their hair in the sink before we could even leave. The smell from the van ride home still lingers. We cheated Death, but he scar(r)ed us for life.

Hello, my name is Fawnda, and I am a blog-oholic!

I am TOTALLY addicted to blogging. I am constantly checking my blogs to see if I got any comments or to see how many new hits I got. I am compulsive about it. I used to think that I could stop any time I wanted... but then I started to get the shakes (Must. Check. Blog.)

I started with my personal blog. Simple enough. We wanted to inform our family about our adoption process, and we would be updating it when we got any news. Once we brought our little king home we would update with his progress , pictures and videos. I maybe update this once a week... sometimes less if nothing exciting is going on.

Then, I started a craft blog with DIY projects that my best friend Jeannine (you have probably seen her comment here) and I work on. It is called Fireflies and Jellybeans (I know shameless plug!). It has been a really fun outlet for my creativity. I also like the challenge of finding the next project. We are trying to get traffic to the blog, so I submit our projects to other sites to be featured. This blog is a bit more work than my personal one.

Now, I am also writing here. This is also a great outlet and support for my mommy needs. I love the group here, and I like being able to write a post about my experiences.

So, that makes three blogs. It would be manageable if I left it at that, but I don't! I also check several other blogs. I look and comment on other people's fabulous blogs. I can spend HOURS and HOURS blog hopping, completely ignoring my house and child at times. This is not good. It is the first thing I want to do when I wake up and the last thing I do before I go to bed.

I need a blogging break. I need life to be more balanced. I am NOT signing off here! I am just informing you that I am going to go on an internet fast this week. No internet, blogs, e-mail for a week. I need to cut myself off for a bit, so I can get into a new routine. I hope to go for a bike ride with my son (with my new-to-me bike and trailer), go to the park, clean my house, read more books, finish some projects, take a nap, see some friends, and other fun things. I also want to get into a different morning routine. I think that getting up, putting my kid in the high chair and reading blogs on my computer is not the best thing for him! I also would like to do a better job with my bible study. I am starting a new Beth Moore study tomorrow with wonderful ladies from my church.

I'm not saying that the internet is bad... It is a great place to connect with other people. I have made many dear blog friends (from this site especially). But, too much of a good thing... is not a good thing. I will be back next week (and read all your comments then)! I just hope I don't get too shakey!

*I just want you to know that I scheduled this blog last week so I am not breaking my fast! : ) I love that scheduled option! : ) *

How do you stay balanced?

Help! I need advice!

After witnessing his granddad have what looked like a stroke at the lunch table on Wednesday and the frantic call to 911, I was worried about how our 5 1/2 year-old son was processing everything. He hadn't really said much about it at all. He and I were having some bonding time together reading books and watching "So You Think You Can Dance" later that evening when we talked about it:

Me: "How did you feel about what happened to Pop Pop today?"

His answer: "I felt mean."

Me: "You felt mean?"

Him: nods

Me: "What do you mean, "you felt mean?"

Him: "I felt mean because I couldn't stop it."

Me, trying to hold back the tears for his sake: "Honey, Mommy, Daddy and Grammy were there, too. We're grown-ups and we couldn't stop it either. We just all helped in our own special ways until the ambulance got here to help Pop Pop. Mommy called 911. Daddy checked Pop Pop's breathing and heart beat, Grammy talked to Pop Pop, and You showed Pop Pop your beautiful drawing to help him smile. Then you went out and watched for the ambulance. When the ambulance pulled away, we prayed for Pop Pop, remember? We all did what we could to help, but nobody could have stopped it from happening."

I'm not sure how to help him through all this, but I think talking about it helps. I never expected him to say he felt mean (responsible). He really took it all on himself and never said a word until I asked him about it. Since then, he's had some angry outbursts over little things: a painting that didn't turn out the way he wanted, he refused to go to his children's program, then he got sulky and mad when we had to leave a friend's house after lunch (even though I gave plenty of warning). I think I need to come up with some ways to give him more control, but still stick to the schedule as much as possible. Any ideas?

He loves to do art, and I know therapists often use art as a tool to get kids talking, but I don't know how. Does anyone know of a good book or have some advice for us on how to handle this?

On Vaction... I mean a Family Trip

Hi all, It is Fawnda here doing Karly a favor. Karly is on vacation... I mean, a family trip this week at her cabin with NO internet or phone coverage. She called me while she was on a trip to the small town just outside the mountains and asked me to post something for her. Here is the conversation:

K: Hi Fawny- I am in the mountains, so I could lose the signal at any time so don't worry if we get cut off. (to kid 1) your hand is not bleeding... it is just the red from the skittle.. lick it off. I am back. I forgot to post something on the Motley Mom site for this week. Can you post that I am out of town or something?

F: Sure, no problem (to my kid) DO NOT hit the baby***. You are in time out MR! Sorry about that! Are you having a good time?

K: Yeah, it's been great (to kid 1) No, it is not blood... hold up you hand and let me see... nope just lick it! We should make the post something funny I think.... hmmmmm something about a family trip...(to kid 1) You are not bleeding, you will be fine... just lick it off... there is nothing I can do from here.

F: I will try and think of something... Hello...hello... Karly?

That is where the call was dropped! This is a very common conversation for both of us. It is just like we are RIGHT there in the action! Even though we live hundreds of miles away, I some how feel like we are part of each other's daily lives. I really hope that her kid's hand was not really bleeding...That would have been gross!

***I am not making any announcements here, I am helping a girl with her daycare, since she just had a baby.

Vacay

Today my husband and I are going on vacation. We are going to Maine for a week, which is the longest we've ever been away from our children. The next longest was in November, when we went to NYC for 3 days/2 nights. We really, really need this vacation. I have been under a lot of stress, some of which is caused by others, but most of which just has to do with life. I don't like saying that I need a break from my children, but I'm going to say it. I need a break from my children. My husband has been under a lot of stress, too, some of which is the same stress as me, some of which is due to his demanding job and to the fact that while we are on vacation we are having the floors refinished in our house, and he and 3 teenagers from church had to move all the furniture out. My kids and I were at the beach with my in-laws while Todd took care of all this stuff and as soon as he got here, Ethan got sick. High fever, sore throat, restless sleep. We called the doctor to get antibiotics and he has gotten a little better, but yesterday Micah woke up with a fever. We shlepped the kids to Winter Haven to see the doctor, who said it's probably a virus (oh, and did I mention Ethan puked on the way to the doctor?), then came back to the beach. We talked and talked and argued about whether or not we need to even go to Maine. I said yes, Todd wasn't so sure. We finally agreed we would and let me tell you, I am downright giddy. I haven't slept in months and my throat kind of hurts, but I am so excited to be getting away. Today we are off to Orlando and then we fly to Portland in the morning. I can hardly wait! I know that we will miss our kids and it doesn't help that Ethan had a meltdown right before nap and Micah woke up screaming, but I am still glad we are doing this. We need this. And our kids need us to do this. I am not a fan of Dr. Phil, but I agree with one thing I heard him say: "A good marriage is the best gift you can give your children." I know that we will turn into different people. We will sleep, relax, laugh. I don't care if I spend the whole time in a deck chair reading. I know this trip will do me, and Todd, good. So now, without further ado, GOODBYE!

Right Now

(This is a little snapshot of what's on my mind right now)

Right now, I am taking a Mommy Break. Nothing exciting has happened today. It's been day filled with errands and minutia.

I have spent the last two and half hours in the kitchen. My feet are sore. I figured I'd go on the offensive right when we walked in the door from a day of errands. I set out some paints and got the kids busy while I made vanilla/cherry/banana smoothies. Since it was storming outside this went quite nicely. I'm even used to the inevitable spilling of the watercolors water and explosion of finger paints. I just threw the $1 tablecloth away. It was worth not having to clean it. I figured that I was worth at least $1.

Now I sit typing while the dog is in hiding from the last hour of torture/pretend playing with the kids. The kids are playing "ballet" complete with Snow White outfits and a chalkboard. It obviously doesn't need to make sense in order to be fun.

After I type this out, I plan to make something for dinner out of leftover noodles. Yummy. I sit thinking about the things I didn't do that I wanted to do today and the laundry both clean/wrinkled and wet/smelly/dirty.

I just read the about the memorial for Michael Jackson. It sounds like it was a great tribute for him, full of famous people, kind words and such.

If I were to die today, what kind of memorial would I have? I can pretty much guarantee there won't be anyone famous there. It would be filled with family and friends. That's good enough for me.

OK. Mommy Break is officially over. I really need to make dinner now and get the kids up to bath.

If any of you want to share your minutia of the day, feel free! That's why I like Facebook so much. It's so mundane yet interesting at the same time.