Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself. I used to love fun and having fun. I used to love laughing. I used to have dreams and goals. Now, I have dark circles, gray hair, and a small but growing number of unwanted pounds. I don't work outside of our home, but I am very much all about business. My day is filled with getting work done, which is a giant mystery to me. What am I working on? What do I have that engulfs so much of my time? I do not volunteer. I am not on committees. I am not at playgroups. What on earth is taking up so much of my time that I do not have time to take care of myself?
I think it happened two summers ago when I went in for my hysterectomy. I think my doctor secretly did a lobotomy too and took out the fun part of my personality! Shortly after my surgery, I gained 10 pounds in four weeks, and none of my clothes fit. To fix that problem, I tried the Atkins diet and had a lot of success by not eating most of my favorite foods. Now, I feel guilty for eating fruit, and it feels like I gain weight by just thinking about eating a brownie.
Today, I am going out to look for myself. I am going to start by looking at Wal-Mart in the fruits and vegetables section. If I am not there, maybe I can find myself in the whole grains section of the bread department. I will also be looking in the appliance department by the blenders. Or perhaps, I will find my self at the bottom of a bottle of (wait for it) Clairol's Natural Instincts in golden cappuccino. Maybe I will be hiding somewhere in the cosmetics aisle looking for eye cream. If I am not there, I will check at Starbucks. Maybe I left myself there a couple of hundred mochas ago. Sadly, there is a good chance I might find myself at Target buying a pair of fat pants or maybe dumb bells.
This should be the best time of my life. I finally have the child I have waited my whole life for, and I am raising him with a wonderful man. My husband is a sweet, loving man who really does want to help me and wants me to be happy. This is Halloween when fun should be easy - dipping apples in caramel and carving jack-o-lanterns. Even as I write this, my life is getting easier. Plumber and electrician are here putting a shower into our bathtub.
Last week, one of my facebook friends asked if 40 was the new 30. My reply was, "Forty will be the new 30 until people our age getting closer to 50. Then 50 will be the new 30." Of course I was teasing, but I am sick of missing out on fun in my life. I am tired of looking forward to the fun. This is the time to enjoy life even if our lives are filled with hard work, blood from skinned knees, sweat from chasing small children, and tears, some of our own and some from the aforementioned small children.
Is anyone else lost, or is it just me? And, if you find me here before I get back, please let me know :)