Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself. I used to love fun and having fun. I used to love laughing. I used to have dreams and goals. Now, I have dark circles, gray hair, and a small but growing number of unwanted pounds. I don't work outside of our home, but I am very much all about business. My day is filled with getting work done, which is a giant mystery to me. What am I working on? What do I have that engulfs so much of my time? I do not volunteer. I am not on committees. I am not at playgroups. What on earth is taking up so much of my time that I do not have time to take care of myself?
I think it happened two summers ago when I went in for my hysterectomy. I think my doctor secretly did a lobotomy too and took out the fun part of my personality! Shortly after my surgery, I gained 10 pounds in four weeks, and none of my clothes fit. To fix that problem, I tried the Atkins diet and had a lot of success by not eating most of my favorite foods. Now, I feel guilty for eating fruit, and it feels like I gain weight by just thinking about eating a brownie.
Today, I am going out to look for myself. I am going to start by looking at Wal-Mart in the fruits and vegetables section. If I am not there, maybe I can find myself in the whole grains section of the bread department. I will also be looking in the appliance department by the blenders. Or perhaps, I will find my self at the bottom of a bottle of (wait for it) Clairol's Natural Instincts in golden cappuccino. Maybe I will be hiding somewhere in the cosmetics aisle looking for eye cream. If I am not there, I will check at Starbucks. Maybe I left myself there a couple of hundred mochas ago. Sadly, there is a good chance I might find myself at Target buying a pair of fat pants or maybe dumb bells.
This should be the best time of my life. I finally have the child I have waited my whole life for, and I am raising him with a wonderful man. My husband is a sweet, loving man who really does want to help me and wants me to be happy. This is Halloween when fun should be easy - dipping apples in caramel and carving jack-o-lanterns. Even as I write this, my life is getting easier. Plumber and electrician are here putting a shower into our bathtub.
Last week, one of my facebook friends asked if 40 was the new 30. My reply was, "Forty will be the new 30 until people our age getting closer to 50. Then 50 will be the new 30." Of course I was teasing, but I am sick of missing out on fun in my life. I am tired of looking forward to the fun. This is the time to enjoy life even if our lives are filled with hard work, blood from skinned knees, sweat from chasing small children, and tears, some of our own and some from the aforementioned small children.
Is anyone else lost, or is it just me? And, if you find me here before I get back, please let me know :)
13 comments:
I love your story. You are so funny. I think as moms we lose ourselves somewhere in the process of raising our family. Take time to find you. What you like and what you want to do for pleasure. If you don't do it now, someday you will wake up and be 60 and wonder where your life went and what did you do with it.Make a plan to spend at least 2 hours a week doing something important to and for YOU. You deserve it and it will help to make you better at everything else.
That last comment was from me your mom, I just am not to computer savey.
Pam,
Your mom is so sweet! What great advice! I don't think I can add much to it.
I am going to starting "looking for you"... you could be in a lot of my favorite places! I know that if we lived closer we would be great friends that hang out all the time! I think you are a lot of fun! especially your poams! : )
I agree with your mom - do something completely for yourself. Take a class. Join a support group. ANYTHING, as long as you don't have to take Alex or Charlie. ;) Everyone needs something that's all their own, especially moms.
The only thing I do for myself right now is take the Pump It Up class twice a week at the Y. And I have to rush out in order to make it to KID 1's classroom for my storytime hour with them once a week. And I can't go if (when) the kids are sick, which is frustrating because when I can finally go back, it hurts for several days after.
However, I am so glad I can do this one thing for myself, even if it's sporadic. MOPS is another "just for me" time twice a month. I really enjoy that time with friends. And you know I HAVE to have at least ONE Girls' Night Out each month. So it's kind of a conglomerative effect. Bits and pieces here and there that keep me bouyed up during those times when I would otherwise drown in my miserable self-pity or forget that THIS is what I CHOSE and it's mostly FUN!
Even if you have to force yourself to smile for a while, it will begin to feel natural with practice! Have fun, girl! ;D
Pam, I can't tell you how many times I have thought the same thing. Sometimes I am think I am just a glimmer of my former (younger and skinnier) self. Then I look at who I have become and really, I wouldn't change it. I'm older, fatter, been married twice, more jaded...did I mention older and fatter? I am a mom and wife (works in progress, mind you) and I can't even imagine something better than that.
I liked your mom's advice; for me sometimes the best I can muster is locking myself in the bathroom by myself and reading (even just a couple pages). Stay strong, girl. I would bet the house that the "you" that you have become is awesome! Plus, I actually know you, I don't have to bet, you are, in fact, awesome. I think you just need a little reminder. ;-)
First of all you are a great writer. You could get this published! Second of all, your mom is so great. She had me balling last week! And last, I think you have put words to how all of us feel sometimes as moms. Motherhood is a dream come true for me, but sometimes it is much more than I bargained for. It requires ALL of me and then some. And sometimes I too feel lost.
Happy Hunting!! Look near the chocolate, that's where I'd be!
Thanks everyone! I really wish I could find you all too living in the same place as me. Bryssy, you are so sweet, beautiful and talented, no matter how small you used to be. I can't wait to meet you, Fawnda and Karly. Fawnda, if you ever find yourself driving south into Iowa, let me know! Thank you Karly for your compliments. Liz and Donna, I think you are right. I need to just get out there and find some people or something to look forward too. I had that in Florida. I need to find that here. Thanks mom, for reading my work and supporting me. I love you. I hope you all have a great week!
Pam, I know some of what you're feeling! Lately I've started looking back to the "good old days" and wondering where I lost my feelings of independence and contentment. I'm married to a wonderful man, we have a beautiful baby. But somewhere along the way I started feeling deflated and merely coasting. I've found that reminding myself that God has a plan for me helps to counteract those feelings of uselessness. He hasn't given up on me just because I've gained a few pounds or gotten my priorities mixed up!
I lose myself frequently. When life gets me down (even when there is nothing to be "down" about). Like last week I was stuck at home with 3 kids (not at the same time, but all running together), for about 10 days. I also had no internet (my connection to the outside world), and no TV (like zero). Oh and I was PMSing at the same time. I was miserable. I cried, and felt sorry for myself, and just had a big pitty party. I feel really really really lonely a LOT!!!!!
My secret is that even though I have lots of friends, I don't have anyone to talk to (or at lease I feel that way). So when I am having a bad day, I just turn inward on myself. It's a hard cycle to get out of.
Oh and I stopped running, which my "ME" thing.
Oh Lindsay - I hear you! I think it is so hard to find a good balance between doing everything without complaining and just venting to survive. Running is so good to help get rid of stress. I hope you have time to start again when you want to. I have tried to start exercising each day, and I hope that will help. Hang in there!
This is really important to write about. I think every mom goes thru this at some point and we have to remind ourselves that we ROCK!
You are making a household run. That is a full time job. It's how you run it. Also the thing about the hysterectomy,I had a friend who said it messes with your hormones and that is most likely a huge factor. I would talk with your doctor about supplements and possibly getting you back on track in your physiology. Look into this. Oprah did a whole thing on this and how woman were dealing with not being right b/c we are off balance somehow.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Quartermom for the great advice. I am on hormone replacement therapy, but I think it needs to be adjusted. Thank you for your comment and encouragement!!
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