Thursday, February 25, 2010
I've had a long and hard day, and the majority of it was spent without my children. Does anyone else feel like their children are an anchor for them? I know that sounds kind of scary, like I'm too dependent on them, but that's not what I mean. I just feel kind of untethered without them, especially if I'm having a hard time. I spent today doing something unpleasant, expensive, and, as it turns out, pointless, and I missed time with my kids doing it. A couple of months after my dad died it was my birthday and I went to Vero with some friends to go kayaking for the day to celebrate. I had fun, but I felt funny without my kids. I felt untethered, unanchored, like I was going to fly away like a popped balloon. When I got home to them I felt safer and more grounded. Maybe that's what it is - my kids force me to be responsible and "with-it," so when I'm with them I'm more grounded. It just seems strange, is all. I remember when I was 11 and my great-grandfather died. When my parents and I got to the funeral, my grandmother was there and she hugged me and cried and it seemed as if it was such a relief to her that I was there. I remember thinking, "How weird. She needs me? I'm only 11!" But now I get it. When I got home today my kids were at Fat Boy's with the extended family and I didn't feel at home until they were. Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I crazy? Wait...don't answer that.